I heard comedian Ron White say on a podcast today that he did not consider himself to be that interesting. Ron White…one of the funniest comedians I have ever heard, is just not that interesting in his own mind.

That simple comment led me down a rabbit hole of self reflection. I recalled that I had started this blog many years ago and that I have not written in it since the beginning of the pandemic. If by chance this stupid little blog of mine ever gets read by some unsuspecting saps 50 years from now, let me sum up the pandemic in a short paragraph.

So, there is this global construct of super rich people that are not too happy with the way humans are treating the planet or each other. All the fighting, wars, pollution, power…all your basic human traits that have formed over 10’s of thousands of years. These nutjobs have been looking for ways to eradicate a large portion of the population, ways to get people in line and under control. The best option they came up with was to create a virus that will kill off the weak, sick and elderly. It also was a way to control the people…force them to do what their government tells them, take away their freedoms and say it is for a greater good. Well, so far it has worked…most of the sheep fell in line and those that didn’t will certainly continue to be punished. Luckily, they stopped the madness just shy of a civil war…but give them time.

Arguably the worst couple of years in modern human history. Short of the fallout that is occurring post pandemic…inflation, formation of socialized government, insane cost of living, housing crisis etc.. I found, personally, that I was not too bothered by the government mandates. Now let me explain that a little better. I was and am still very upset about their overreach, and all the bullshit control they are, to this day, trying to force down our throats as free Americans. I didn’t serve my country to protect the government, I served to protect the freedoms of American citizens. However, my lifestyle in some ways got better during the pandemic.

I am not a people person, I hate crowds, I loath being around large groups of people and I quite enjoy sitting around my house doing absolutely nothing. A pandemic is an introverts dream scenario. There were significantly less people at work, I was able to do my job with little oversight, there was very little traffic on my commute, the stores were not packed with people, and the restaurants that stayed open were never so full you had to wait in line (another hatred of mine is lines and waiting on other people). Other than that, my life did not change much during the pandemic (except the toilet paper shortage, but that’s another story). I mostly went where I wanted and did what I wanted. Yep, not very interesting.

As I continued to fall down this never ending abyss of darkness in my reflection, I came to a realization. To myself, I am not very interesting, but how do the people in my life look at me? Do they find me interesting, annoying, insatiable, obnoxious? I can see how most would likely use three of those words to describe me, but interesting is not on the top of the list…not even top 10. Why do I feel this way? Why do I think this of myself?

It is bred into my DNA, an overwhelming self awareness of failure, faults, darkness, hatred and self-loathing. I can see it in many of my family members, and I can see it being passed down from generation to generation. Some of my family have married into better gene pools and they still might just have a chance. The rest of us are doomed to just exist until we can’t do it any longer. This may seem like I am painting an unrealistic and dark picture of my family, but it is very real…luckily there is a flip side.

Everyone in my family is talented…like extremely talented in many respects. We are only held back from becoming great by our faulty DNA, that darkness that thrives inside, telling us that we cannot be great, we cannot excel, we are not meant to be anything other than average. We do not allow ourselves to be great, our personalities and inner demons are the wall that progress slams into hindering our greatness. It is hard to describe how amazing the members of my family could be if only we could stop preventing ourselves from achieving greatness.

I am 46 yeas old, and I often wonder what accomplishment I have to show for so many laps around the sun? Let’s start with the good things. I have two of the brightest and most caring children in the world, and the most amazing woman who has dealt with my bullshit for 29 years of life and 25 of marriage. I have built a family of my own and hopefully raised my children with all they need to survive the world that we are all slowly destroying. That pretty much sums up my major accomplishments.

When I look even deeper, I tend to see more negative than positive. The things that hold me back, the things that take away my greatness…I find they are all self inflicted of course. I live a life of big dreams and poor decisions. Material things make me happy, though I cant afford them, I still fill my life with them. “He loved to buy high and sell low”…put that on my headstone. The self loathing and lack of confidence keeps me inside my little circle of failure, and I thrive here!!

“They call me king turd up here on shit mountain, if you want it you can have the crown.” — Sturgill Simpson

I decided to take a little time reflect, let myself fall deeper into this brain-fart. I created a list of all my positive traits. It started out as a very short list, a post-it note that was mostly empty. Yet in reality, I have seen and done quite a lot in my little uninteresting life…I just never seem to take the next step towards making those things great. Is it out of fear of failure, usually. Could it be that maybe I am just not as good as I think I am, highly likely. Let’s unpack some of this luggage…

When I was a child, my grandma used to give me broken appliances, things that were returned to her hardware store that failed or didn’t work. Like a blender, or a toaster, or a power drill…you name it, she gave it to me and said here are some tools, find out why it doesn’t work. So I did. I took things apart, looked at the insides, tried to find the problem, put it back together and see if I could make it work. Rarely, I found success, but every so often, I got it right. That experience molded my career. It taught me that you can’t fix everything, but you certainly can understand how it work, understanding is knowledge, and knowledge is king.

I spent my life trying to understand how things worked. I am mostly self taught. In high school, I took as many shop classes as I could, to get more knowledge. I rebuilt the engine of my mustang and it worked! I helped my friends fix their cars, or just about anything that was broken. I could see things the way most other couldn’t, I could see how they worked and it came naturally to me. This led me to join the Navy and see what else I could learn how to fix, I was becoming a knowledge whore…I needed more. However, as I aged, I realized that I hated being taught how to do things, I was better off learning how to do things myself, by reading, watching, listening, trying—DOING IT!

I am the guy that people call when they need knowledge. I am the guy people ask how to do something. I am the guy that has the answers, and if I don’t have the answer, I get one. Every job I have ever had, I exceled at. I made myself the guy that can’t be let go. The person that is relied on for their knowledge and experience. Without me, they would be in a world of hurt. I have never been fired from a job. Every job I have ever left, I was asked or even begged to stay. I am the fixer, I am the Wolf. (shameless Pulp Fiction reference)

I have taught myself a plethora of things, and worked hard at them, some to proficiency and some that were interesting and fun, but I never got really good at. I taught myself how to brew beer, got pretty good at it. I taught myself how to make cheese (still on the fence on this one, not very good at it). I have honed my skills in the kitchen and on the grill, my food may not be perfect, but you wont leave hungry or unsatisfied. I can build a house if I wanted to for Christ sake.

When I look back, I actually see that I have succeeded in more than I have failed. When I am working on something that doesn’t go my way the first time, I always beat myself up and think, “why does everything I touch turn to shit?” In reality, that happens quite often, but I don’t quit, I just keep plugging away until I get it right, get it fixed…with one exception.

For some reason, I fail to put my drive and work ethic into bettering myself. I don’t mean learning, I do that all the do-da-day. I mean the things in my life that could actually make a difference, physically, mentally, and monetarily. I have struggled with my self appearance and my weight since I was in junior high. I remember the first time I was really bullied. It wasn’t because of my name, it was because of my weight. I was a chubby kid, who grew into a fat adult. I have all the knowledge required to not be fat, (genetics is not helping) yet I find reasons to stay overweight. I know what it takes to be successful and make more money than I could possibly spend in my lifetime, so why don’t I just do it?

This goes full circle to the inner darkness of the Dick family DNA. I can do it, I know I can do it, but I refuse. I hate the idea of putting myself out there and risk potential failure, or some other bullshit excuse (always one excuse or another). For some reason, I would rather be the highly knowledgeable, talented individual, who locks himself in his house on a Saturday night rewatching every season of Good Eats on the food network for the 3rd time, just in case I missed something Alton Brown was trying to show me on how to properly sear a steak.

I suppose now that I have taken time to reflect, I might just be more interesting than I thought. Not in the typical webster dictionary definition of interesting, but in my own little way. I have a feeling at some point, I will attempt to sit down and write a book. I am not a bad writer, another thing I have worked hard at, yet I lack the ambition to be like Nike and just do it. I read back through this blog post and many of my other posts, and I find that they are all just a jumbled mess of thoughts (not very good ones I might add). I should probably just take some time and try to organize them…knowing me, I won’t.

Welcome to my mind…interesting??